Day 19: Sugar-Size Me

Is Sugar Love?

Sweetheart. Honey pie. Sugar plum. Let me nibble thee.

In Charlottesville we are blessed to have Gearhart’s chocolates: hand-dipped artisanal ganache of fine quality, crafted with Criollo Cacoa from the finest Venezuelan plantations.

It’s what you give your wife for your Anniversary (when you remember it) … and Valentine’s Day (when they’re not sold out) … and Mother’s Day … and her birthday … and, well, whenever you feel you’ve been “inattentive” lately. Roses work, too. But you can’t share them in quite the same way.

Gearhart’s don’t come in heart-shaped boxes, but the intention is the same. They intend to say, “I love you.” And the opiates and amphetamines (endorphins, serotonin and phenylethylamine) that they trigger in your brain, up your blood pressure, eliciting feelings of excitement – a bit like love … or, a bite like love.

But is it love? When a mom prepares a pie for her family, does that not demonstrate devotion? When a teacher cooks cupcakes for her class, does that not bespeak her best intentions? When a bus driver doles out tootsie rolls, is that not a cause for a round of “Here’s to the busdriver, the greatest of all?”

A doctor’s lollipop. A handful of hugs on Halloween. Sugar’s how we show we care. For others and ourselves. When the world seems an unwelcome place, nothing says “I love me” like a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. For the moment, anyway. You might hate yourself in the morning.

What happens when the honeymoon is over? And the sweetness has begun to seem saccharine? And you’ve bought your hundredth box of Gearhart’s – making the gesture, now merely mechanical, lose its meaning?

Is, in fact, sugar more like a Hallmark card? The thing you give when you don’t have the time or energy to write what you mean to say. Or perhaps you simply feel obligated. As a commodity, sugar is cheap and always in stock – unlike authentic emotions, which are in scarce supply.

If you’re short on the sugar, are you lacking in love? Is a house bereft of Oreos, a den of a deprived childhood? When there’s no dessert, does it mean the neighbors, with their ambrosia, treasure their children more? When there’s nothing in the lunchbox but soup and a sandwich, the other kids at the cafeteria table indeed seem more popular (there and at home), munching on their Mallomars.

I’m not being bitter. Or sour. Taste has little to do with true feelings. Sugar simply does not equal love. (And Equal does not equal sugar, or love.) We confuse confections with affections. And fondness for fondant. Dove sounds like love, but you can’t nestle with Nestlé. So, next time, give me a squeeze when I ask you for “some sugar.”

Like taking candy from a baby.

Who takes candy from a baby? And isn’t the point that it’s easy?

Well, yesterday I had the illustrious honor of attending a SHAB meeting. SHAB is Charlottesville’s School Health Advisory Board. And they were tackling my favorite topic: sugar. Actually, the honor was short-lived, as the school’s head dietician requested me out of my seat because she didn’t want to be filmed.

But I wasn’t the only busy-body present. The school administration appointed another board member, my friend the dietician joined the board and so did the head of the Obesity Task Force – and the Vice Superintendant of City Schools sat in, as well. Yessiree, your tax dollars at work.

Tonight’s controversy: can you limit sugars to 30%? I know, it sounds impossible. The Administration promised to limit school food (well 80% of school food) to 30% sugar by calories. Now, you may say that 1/3 of your diet being sugar is kinda crazy anyway. But I like crazy. Hell, I’m Koo-Koo for Cocoa Puffs.

Answer: no. Maybe next year. After they make a “database.” Heck, they have an entire snack bar to tabulate. To be fair, it’s a weird standard because carrots are about half sugar, calorically-speaking. And plain, old skim milk is nearly 60% sugar by the same metric (remember that the less fat in milk, the more sugar it has).

And chocolate milk … don’t even go there. Really. Because the kids will “revolt.” That was a big concern voiced by some at the table. Les Miserables meets Swiss Miss. To the barricades! I have to wonder, who’s the adult here? Or, more importantly, who’s the parent? Hey kids, summer vacation is over.

But that’s too tough love. The school’s opinion is that you should educate kids (and their parents) first, before you take away their Yoohoo. So, you teach them that chocolate milk is bad for them … while feeding them chocolate milk. Yep, Koo-Koo for Cocoa Puffs.

Like taking candy from a baby? Not even close. They won’t discuss it again until November. And then it goes back to the School Board. If we were in Candy Land, this issue would be stuck in Molasses Swamp. And you-know-who would be Queen Frostine. Well, I’d rather be playing Uncle Wiggly anyway.

Day 11

Clip 1 “White Poison”

Is sugar evil?

Well, is Hitler evil? Or Obama? All depends if you’re on the winning team. So, who’s on sugar’s team? Amalgamated Sugar. Sugar Bear. And Bill Cosby. Remember Jell-O Pudding Pops commercials. I love Bill Cosby. I like Jell-O Pudding Pops. So maybe I’m on sugar’s team. I’ve been a lifelong fan. Does that make me evil?

Sugar doesn’t have horns and a pointy tail, or a wiry mustache. It doesn’t tie women to train tracks and go “Hooo-haaa-haaa-haaa-haaa” when it laughs. Yet it can be a villain.

Everybody knows sugar rots teeth. Well that’s an oversimplification. Sucrose bonds to teeth. Strep bacteria eat it and poop out lactic acid, which dissolves tooth enamel. Thus, sugar rots teeth. Teeth are good. So, sugar must be evil. But nobody’s going to start a war on tooth decay. How about diabetes?

People lose their legs and go blind because of diabetes. That’s pretty evil. The number of adults with diabetes worldwide has more than doubled since 1980 to 347 million. More than half of all Americans may develop diabetes or prediabetes by 2020. Sugar is largely to blame.

Sugar is also clinically linked to heart disease, kidney disease, liver disease, Crohn’s disease, Parkinson’s disease, Alzheimer’s disease, arthritis, asthma, multiple sclerosis, gall stones, kidney stones, osteoporosis, atherosclerosis, appendicitis, hemorrhoids, eczema, emphysema, varicose veins, polio and cancers of the breast, ovaries, prostate, rectum, pancreas, lung, gallbladder and stomach. Oh, and obesity. That’s pretty evil. Like cigarette evil. But there’s no such thing as second-hand sugar. So you’re only hurting yourself, right?

Well, the slave trade revolved around sugar. It was the trade Triangle: Slaves … Sugar … Goods. For 300 years, millions of Africans were shipped to sugar plantations in the Carribean, South America and the Southern United States (then colonies). That’s evil. But we can’t blame the sugar. Let’s blame our forefathers. Speaking of which…

Darth Vader is pure evil. We can all agree on that. The mask. The voice. That black outfit. Although the storm troopers are in white. Is sugar like an army of storm troopers? And Darth Vader was once was good. Was sugar ever good? Anakin Sugarwalker. Sounds like someone from a box of breakfast cereal.

And what about those folks. The sugar peddlers. Are they evil? Here’s a fun fact. The American Dietetic Association dictates most dietary dogma in this country. Who pays their bills? Coke, Pepsi, Mars, Nestlé, Hersheys, Kellogs and General Mills. The ADA relies on such austere organizations as The Hershey Center for Health & Nutrition, established in 2005 to promote the health benefits of chocolate. Or, Coca-Cola’s Beverage Institute, which researches “the science of beverages and their role in living well.” Mars has a website, marshealthyliving.com, hosted by Dr. Dean Ornish. So, health equals Twix, Snickers, Skittles, Milky Way and M&Ms? Is that evil or just twisted?

I guess it comes down to a simple question: Can you kill someone with a candy bar? Maybe. But you can choke on broccoli, too. And who would blame the broccoli.

Day 2